Products

Living, Laughing and Loafing the very best we can under these circumstances

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey and Antique colors - 90% cotton, 10% polyester, Graphite Heather - 50% ring-spun cotton, 50% polyester

Doug is a needy ass and now you can be too. Wear this Doug hoodie knowing that Doug wishes that he was as close to you as the material is to your skin. That is Doug's wish. So it is written. So it will be.

A unisex heavy blend hooded sweatshirt is relaxation itself. The material is a thick blend of cotton and polyester. This makes for a plush, soft feel alongside warmth. A spacious kangaroo pocket hangs in front. Doug would get into the pocket if he could. The hood's drawstring is the same color as the base sweater.

.: 50% Cotton 50% Polyester
.: Medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271.25 g/m²))
.: Classic fit
.: Sewn in label
.: Runs true to size

Doug is a needy ass and now you can be too. Wear this Doug shirt knowing that Doug wishes that he was as close to you as the material is to your skin. That is Doug's wish. So it is written. So it will be.

This classic unisex jersey short sleeve tee fits like a well-loved favorite.

.: 100% Airlume combed and ringspun cotton (fiber content may vary for different colors)
.: Light fabric (4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²))
.: Retail fit
.: Tear away label
.: Runs true to size

Kids have HUGE Doug energy - and who could possibly resist a snuggle?

A tee with softness that is perfect for a toddler's sensitive skin. With a durable, high quality print, it's a perfect fit for the first ventures.

.: 100% combed ringspun cotton (fiber content may vary for different colors)
.: Light fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²))
.: Classic fit
.: Tear away label
.: Runs true to size

Fully lean into Karen's vibe. Cashier asking you if you'd like to round up your total? Point to the shirt. Someone running & telling you to hold the elevator? Point to the shirt with one hand and hold the door closed with the other. Live your truth. 

.: Made with a medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²)) that consists of 50% cotton and 50% polyester for that cozy feel and warmth you need in a hoodie.
.: The classic fit along with the pouch pocket and the tear-away label make for a highly comfortable, scratch-free wearing experience.
.: The color-matched drawcord and the double-lined hood add a stylish flair and durability that tie everything together.
.: Made using 100% ethically grown US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. The blank tee's dyes are OEKO-TEX-certified dyes with low environmental impact.
.: Fabric blends: Heather Sport colors - 60% polyester, 40% cotton

Fully lean into Karen's vibe. Cashier asking you if you'd like to round up your total? Point to the shirt. Someone running & telling you to hold the elevator? Point to the shirt with one hand and hold the door closed with the other. Live your truth. 

.: Made with a medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²)) that consists of 50% cotton and 50% polyester for that cozy feel and warmth you need in a hoodie.
.: The classic fit along with the pouch pocket and the tear-away label make for a highly comfortable, scratch-free wearing experience.
.: The color-matched drawcord and the double-lined hood add a stylish flair and durability that tie everything together.
.: Made using 100% ethically grown US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. The blank tee's dyes are OEKO-TEX-certified dyes with low environmental impact.
.: Fabric blends: Heather Sport colors - 60% polyester, 40% cotton

Fully lean into Karen's vibe. Cashier asking you if you'd like to round up your total? Point to the shirt. Someone running & telling you to hold the elevator? Point to the shirt with one hand and hold the door closed with the other. Live your truth. 

.: Made with a medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²)) that consists of 50% cotton and 50% polyester for that cozy feel and warmth you need in a hoodie.
.: The classic fit along with the pouch pocket and the tear-away label make for a highly comfortable, scratch-free wearing experience.
.: The color-matched drawcord and the double-lined hood add a stylish flair and durability that tie everything together.
.: Made using 100% ethically grown US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. The blank tee's dyes are OEKO-TEX-certified dyes with low environmental impact.
.: Fabric blends: Heather Sport colors - 60% polyester, 40% cotton

Not Dylan tho. Dylan is thriving fr

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey and Antique colors - 90% cotton, 10% polyester, Graphite Heather - 50% ring-spun cotton, 50% polyester

We're all just out here doing our best, Dylan included.

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey and Antique colors - 90% cotton, 10% polyester, Graphite Heather - 50% ring-spun cotton, 50% polyester

The most invasive species

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey and Antique colors - 90% cotton, 10% polyester, Graphite Heather - 50% ring-spun cotton, 50% polyester

The most invasive species

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey and Antique colors - 90% cotton, 10% polyester, Graphite Heather - 50% ring-spun cotton, 50% polyester

Do you need a meditation session with Michael? Fashion advice from Stanley? Want Glenn with two n’s to ask someone to marry you through interpretive dance? Do you need Karen to deliver your 2 weeks notice to your boss?

Well, do I have something exciting for you! We are now offering personalized video messages! When you purchase a personalized video message, the money goes towards funding all the nonsense here at Useless Farm like vet care, food, fences, Janet & Glenn with two n’s dance classes, therapy for Karen, treatment for Curtis’ pica, Gary Gusey‘s legal fees, Stanley & Karen’s piano lessons, PTO for the HR dept, and so much more. 

Once you have placed your order, you will receive a link to your private YouTube video within 10 days. 

Some notes:

• I will stick to your request as closely as I can, but please understand that some requests may not be possible (due to illness, or something not being in the best interest at the animals). 
• I will not do anything that could possibly harm the animals.

• If you follow me you already know this, but I have to say it: I will not tolerate or complete any requests that ask us to say something racist, sexist, or anti-LGBTQ2+. PERIODT.

Michael wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day

But he couldn't hear his thoughts over the roar of the wind whistling between his ears. Have a happy Valentine's Day anyways. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Send this digital download with simple Michael to your bestie, the love of your life, or just and acquaintance idk.

This is a digital download (.mp4 format), so you will need to download and send it to your sweetheart.

Thank you for supporting the farm! We all love you (except for Brad)

Honestly the scientist at NASA are desperate to study the smooth surface of his brain

.: Made with a medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²)) that consists of 50% cotton and 50% polyester for that cozy feel and warmth you need in a hoodie.
.: The classic fit along with the pouch pocket and the tear-away label make for a highly comfortable, scratch-free wearing experience.
.: The color-matched drawcord and the double-lined hood add a stylish flair and durability that tie everything together.
.: Made using 100% ethically grown US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. The blank tee's dyes are OEKO-TEX-certified dyes with low environmental impact.
.: Fabric blends: Heather Sport colors - 60% polyester, 40% cotton
.: Embroidery decoration method available on left chest

Honestly the scientist at NASA are desperate to study the smooth surface of his brain

.: Made with a medium-heavy fabric (8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²)) that consists of 50% cotton and 50% polyester for that cozy feel and warmth you need in a hoodie.
.: The classic fit along with the pouch pocket and the tear-away label make for a highly comfortable, scratch-free wearing experience.
.: The color-matched drawcord and the double-lined hood add a stylish flair and durability that tie everything together.
.: Made using 100% ethically grown US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. The blank tee's dyes are OEKO-TEX-certified dyes with low environmental impact.
.: Fabric blends: Heather Sport colors - 60% polyester, 40% cotton
.: Embroidery decoration method available on left chest

"Quit being a silly goose" - a person you don't need in your life.

Gary Gusey, esteemed attourney and passionate advocate for Silly Gooses everywhere, would like to thank you for your time and attention to this matter. The price of this hoodie should cover most of his retainer fee. The rest can go on the bill. 

.: Made with 100% ring-spun cotton, a lightweight fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)), this unisex t-shirt feels like a bliss to wear all year round.
.: The classic fit with the crew neckline deliver a clean, versatile style that can match any occasion, whether it's formal or semi-formal.
.: All shirts feature a pearlized, tear-away label for total wearing comfort.
.: Made using ethically grown and harvested US cotton. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: Fabric blends: Heather colors - 35% ring-spun cotton, 65% polyester; Sport Grey - 90% cotton, 10% polyester.

Thank you so, so much for enjoying our nonsense & with your generous support, we hope that one day sweet angel Michael WILL have a thought behind his eyes. Cross your fingers and send thoughts and prayers. Preferably more thoughts than prayers. 

I have a very important question for you....

Will you bee my Valentine?

_________________________________________________________________________

Send this digital download with Stanley the Bumblebeemu to your bestie, the love of your life, or just and acquaintance idk.

This is a digital download, so you will need to download it and send it to your sweetheart.

Thank you for supporting the farm! We all love you (except for Brad)

The many faces of Stanley to keep you warm on cold days

.: Made with 83% Polyester and 17% Spandex, a medium heavy-weight fabric (8.85 oz/yd² (300 g/m²)) that feels extra soft to the touch.

If anyone doesn't want to see this unsolicited duck pic of Pencil, pls reconsider who you let in your life.

.: This unisex tee is an excellent, all-season wear thanks to its medium fabric (6.0 oz/yd² (203 g/m²)). Made with 100% US cotton, this tee guarantees long-lasting comfort and style.
.: The classic fit along with the crew neckline make it a highly versatile choice for casual and semi-formal occasions as its neat, clean looks can blend in any setting and are perfect for accessorizing.
.: Made using 100% US cotton that is ethically grown and harvested. Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production. This blank tee is certified by Oeko-Tex for safety and quality assurance.
.: The tear-away label minimizes skin irritations and provides a scratch-free wearing experience.
.: Fabric Blends: Ash Grey - 99% cotton, 1% polyester, Heather Colors & Safety Colors - 50% cotton, 50% polyester, Antique Colors & Sport Grey - 90% cotton, 10% polyester