Meet Useless Farm


Poor Sweet Michael

Michael staring into space

Literal elevator music playing in his brain 24/7.
Consistant hay hanging out the side of his mouth -  he does not know it’s there.
Poor sweet thing and doesn’t have a single thought behind those eyes.
Just one lonesome brain cell bouncing around in there like a game of pong.
His father, Craig (retired neurosurgeon), is putting him through school to be a professional unicyclist.

Karen the Emu

Absolute bitch.
Hates me with every fiber of her being.
Recently widowed for the 3rd time - all died under mysterious circumstances.

Stanley the Emu

Sweetest angel who’s ever existed.
Loves to cuddle, wear fancy hats, and cat wigs.
Interpretive dance KING.
Enjoys pretend treats.

Keith the Alpaca

Anxiety personified.
The best kisser.
When he gets mad at the other animals he will spit, but his aim is terrible and he usually just spits straight up in the air.
If he worked in an office, he would microwave his tuna sandwich in the office microwave and not even realize it was frowned upon.
Keith suffers from social anxiety and anxiety in general.

Doug the Minidonkey

His love language is attention.
Would be a lap-donkey if it was possible.
Needy AF.
Frequently has his d out.
Has huge issues with personal space.
Has spent a lot of time in the HR Office

Brad the Silkie Rooster

BradBrad and MeBrad
Absolutely miserable piece of shit.
Aggressive as hell.
Drives a jacked up truck with distasteful window decals.

Steve the Peacock

An absolute DICK to all of the other animals in the summer, but chills out in the winter. 
Everyone is terrified of him.
Mad luxurious tail.

Lucy the Pony

Lucy is beauty, Lucy is grace
Lucy and her BFF Robert like to wear high ponytails and judge people.


Robert Fisch the Minihorse

Thinks he is a full sized stallion.
Luscious mane.

Jjason the Llama

Jjason is the strong, silent type. He's blind in one eye due to an unfortunate mix up with his contact lenses and a rusty washer that he stored next to his contact lenses for some reason. Happens to the best of us.

Daniel & Curtis the Baby Alpacas

Daniel is an aspiring country music singer. His girlfriend recently left him & took his dog with her. Also, the engine just went in his truck. He has 2 credit cards that he ran up, and is just making minimum payments back and forth on the cards
Curtis graduated from a top business school with a 2.0 GPA, which isn't surprising because he spent all his textbook money on beer. He often asks questions that he knows the answer to in meetings to make the meeting go longer

Janet & Glenn with two n's - the Baby Emus

Went to Maury and found out that Karen and Stanley ARE the parents.
Really rolling the dice on personalities for these two.
Both of them work in Costume & Hair, type A personalities driven by an insatiable desire to be accepted by their mother. They've inherited their father's love of interpretive dance and are dedicated to perfecting their craft.


Clifford the Chocolate Lab

A friend to everyone.
Loves to eat garbage, but who doesn't I just ate an entire bag of chips for breakfast so same Clifford.
Goodest boy.