Meet Useless Farm


Poor Sweet Michael


Literal elevator music playing in his brain 24/7.
Aspiring unicyclist.
Always has hay hanging out the side of his mouth and he doesn’t even know it’s there.
Michael is a poor sweet thing and doesn’t have a single thought behind those eyes.
His father, Craig (retired neurosurgeon), is putting him through school to be a professional unicyclist.

Karen the Emu

Absolute bitch.
Hates me with every fiber of her being.
Her husband recently died under mysterious circumstances.

Stanley the Emu

Sweetest angel who’s ever existed.
Loves to cuddle & wear fancy hats.
King of the zoomies.
Enjoys pretend treats.
V polite.

Keith the Alpaca

Anxiety personified.
The best kisser.
When he gets mad at the other animals he will spit but his aim is terrible and he usually just spits straight up in the air.
If he worked in an office, he would microwave his tuna sandwich in the office microwave and not even realize it was gross.
Keith suffers from social anxiety and anxiety in general.

Doug the Minidonkey

His love language is attention.
Would be a lap-donkey if it was possible.
Needy AF
Frequently has his d out.
Gets v upset if he's more than 1 inch away from me.

Brad the Silkie Rooster

BradBrad and MeBrad
Absolute piece of shit but I love him.
Will attack me for absolutely no reason. I’ll just be standing there existing and you’ll hear a thump-thump-thump and look behind you and Brad will be running across the yard to attack me.
Sharp talons.
Despises my legs.

Steve the Peacock

An absolute DICK to all of the other animals in the summer, but chills out in the winter. 
Everyone is terrified of him.
Mad luxurious tail.
Beautiful af and he KNOWS it

Lucy the Pony

Lucy is beauty, Lucy is grace
Lucy and her BFF Robert like to wear high ponytails and judge people.


Robert Fisch the Minihorse

Thinks he is a full sized stallion.
Majestic AF.
Luscious mane.

Craig the Alpaca

Retired neurosurgeon.
Recently widowed.
Supporting his son, Michael's, dream to be a professional unicyclist (it's not going well).
Lush mustache.

Lorraine & Josh the Baby Emus

Went to Maury and found out that Karen and Stanley ARE the parents.
Really rolling the dice on personalities for these two.
Lorraine & Josh went to live at a new home to keep another baby emu company.

Clifford the Chocolate Lab

A friend to everyone.
Loves to eat garbage, but who doesn't I just ate an entire bag of chips for breakfast so same Clifford.
Goodest boy.